Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

I'm sure many of you are aware by now that the sixth book in the HP series, Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, is going to be released July 2005. Already the book is topping best-seller lists by pre-order alone.

But what do we know about the book? Well, we know it's going to involve Harry. And a half-blood prince. And someone's going to die. Yet this only serves to taunt and torment fans who want to know now what's happening in Harry's Muggleverse. Well fear not, Potter fans! By using my vast, superior information and intelligence networks, I have secured the first official chapter by chapter synopsis of "The Half-Blood Prince."

Behold what will happen in year 6, in all it's glory!!


Chapter 1: the Gerbils Without Pants attack Harry, leading to ominous theories about Voldemort's favourite cheese.

Chapter 2: sexual tension between Ron & Hermione peaks due to misunderstandings about whose turn it is to use the shower. Ginny manages to take a picture of the moment for posterity and future blackmail.

Chapter 3: the gang travels to Diagon Alley to retrieve their books, and the Sasquatch's shoe fetish is at long last revealed. Cheese wedges are thrown, and Draco has a drunken otter shoved down his pants.

Chapter 4: during the opening ceremony, Dumbledore introduces a new transfer student from the States--who happens to be Harry's long-lost and qually brilliant & powerful sibling. Said transfer student is also a half-blood prince. Smelling a self-insertion, the Griffyndors and Slytherins put aside their differences and pelt the avatar with squishy octopuses. As usual, nothing happens with Hufflepuff.

Chapter 5: Harry realizes he has feelings for Cho, and confesses his love to her. Unfortunately, he tries to do this while Cho is busy kissing Padma Patil. Sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Harry tries to Macarena his way out of the room.

Chapter 6: in which we learn about Voldemort's secret obssession with Hello Kitty.

Chapter 7: the stars have come into perfect alignment, the air has a very gibbous feel to it, and the great & terrible Old One, Cthulhu, rises out from the depths of the lake next to Hogwarts. Unfortunately, just as he emerges to begin his reign of madness and horror, he's clobbered in the head by a wayward Hippogriff and sinks back down to Ryleh in embarrassment.

Chapter 8: it's revealed that Draco's carpetting doesn't match his drapes. Hermione eats some cake, and pieces togethere the Caramilk secret.

Chapter 9: misunderstandings complicate Harry's love life when the Golden Snitch shoots down Ginny's pants during a Quidditch match, and he & Cho viciously fight to retrieve it.

Chapter 10: Ron is attacked by Death Eaters, but manages to escape thanks to his overpowering after-shave.

Chapter 11: Howgarts files for bankruptcy.

Chapter 12: Dumbledore explains to Harry why Dementors are afraid of David Hasselhoff.

Chapter 13: War breaks out. Hilarity ensues. Insults are thrown, which segues into an all-dancing, all-musical Can Can number.

Chapter 14: Harry claims Neville is dead. To which the not-quite-a-corpse of Neville sits up and exclaims, "I'm not dead yet!", to which Harry then retorts, "You will be in the next book", and has Neville lay back down on the stretcher.

Chapter 15: Voldemort holds Harry's prized cactus hostage in an attempt to lure Harry out of Hogwarts. When that fails, Voldemort gives Harry's Mmail address to a Muggle Spam list. Naked Quidditch matches ensue.

Chapter 16: the Gerbils Without Pants return, bringing with them an apocalypse and some French Fries. In the spirit of togetherness, Ron buys them a bottle of malt vinegar, then sells the gerbils as pets.

Chapter 17: Hermione sets the House Elves free. They immediately form a fraternity, get drunk and before the night out (in no specific order) they hit on all the girls in Ravenclaw, pee in the Prefects' Bath, make sashimi for everyone's breakfast out of the giant squid, spend all night singing dirty marching cadences in every common room, and fill the Great Hall with every-flavour beans. Hermione subsequently begs Dumbledore to enslave/employ them again.

Chapter 18: a great deal of toast is thrown about. Draco is caught wearing fishnet stockings. Harry begins to wonder when the plot will get back around to him.

Chapter 19: feeling insecure after having been thwarted so many times, Voldemort joins an Evil Overlord support group alongside Boss Hogg, Dr. Evil, a legion of Bond villains, Trogdor, Dr. Claw and Martha Stewart.


So there you have it: the secrets behind book six revealed. Now now, there's no need to thank me. Just knowing I have passed on this knowledge to other HP fans is enough thanks for me....

Today's Lesson: sometimes it's just better to not look out the window and discover just how much snow is out there and how badly its blowing around.


posted by Phillip at 7:54 AM

 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas: the presents are stacking up, parking lots are crowded with irate drivers vying for open spaces like hyenas (hyenas who know how to make rude gestures with their hands, at that), and the smell of desperation is filling the mall air. You can see it on many of the faces that pass you by; as panicking customers ask you in that half-crazed, half-near-homicidal voice for specific items you know you don't have; as you kindly remind said customers after informing them that no, you don't have what they're looking for, that if they continue to shout at you, you will have to disable them with your Customer Appreciation Scarf (i.e., strangle them) before you call mall security.

So far our kiosk, at least while I've been there, has not been the recipient of many of these irate customers, but they are starting to look rather grumpy and neurotic. And then there's this guy: right in front of me, a man bares his teeth, leans up really close to one of our mirrors...and spends a minute or so thoroughly examining his teeth. Oddly enough, he didn't seem very pleasant when I said encouragingly, "They're quite clean, Sir, I can assure you."

In other news, I am bemused, grieved and perplexed to discover that the Muppet Family Christmas DVD is missing scenes from its original TV showing. (Fozzie & the snowman's outdoor comedy routine, and the full version of the Muppet Babies singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", for those nit-picky ones wondering.) Normally this wouldn't annoy me, but having watched every Christmas the TV version we taped years ago, it's rather disconcerting to have my happy DVD copy, and know full well that things have been removed. Besides, they were good scenes. Now a generation of Muppets fans will never know that, upon seeing baby Piggy, Floyd the Electric Mayhem guitarist exclaims, "Hey, it's Miss Hamhock, when she was just a little sausage roll!"

And in other other news, our new cat Chance mews like one of those hooting Dilophosaurs from the Jurassic Park movie. I'm waiting to get a toxic hairball to the face any day now...

Today's Lesson: nothing amuses me more than seeing Mel aggravated over the fact that she can rattle and shake her presents all she wants, but she still won't be able to know the boxes' contents for another few days. Yeah, I'm going to get smacked for this; I already know this fact.



posted by Phillip at 6:22 PM

 

Last night I wrestled with annoying turtles and evil, carnovirous mushroom-thingies. (You know: the kind of mushrooms you meet in a dark, empty alley with not a badger in sight.) I also had to contend with fireball-spitting plants and some sort of wrench-flinging raccoon. The only way to defeat them was to dress up as a frog, and sometimes a tanuki.

Yes, you guess it: I've regressed. A few days ago, Kevin loaned me out his old Super NES, complete with the Mario All Stars game (containing Mario 1-3) as well as Super Mario World. I've been having this Mario 3 craving for almost 6 months now, waking up at night from vivid childhood recollections of playing the game, unable to get back to sleep at night because I've become haunted by those images of Mario bouncing around in that big giant, green boot and stomping on things. Which, incidentally, is why World 5-3 remains my favourite level, period.

I've spent a number of evenings sitting back and playing Mario 3, which hads delighted me to no end. I've been reminded of how much I adored the game when I was a kid. I've also been astounded by how much I remember, even the tiny little cheats and things, courtesy of me practically memorizing the Gamepro guide to M3 I bought years upon years ago. Between rounds of playing the matching game, choosing which treasure chest for me to open, and trying to earn me extra lives in the slots game, Mel's been boggled by how much I've been acting like a little 11 year-old version of myself.

"You're like a little kid all of a sudden," she informed me last night.

"Because I'm grinning like an idiot from playing this game?" I said.

Whereupon Mel shook her head and said, "No, mostly because you can't beat World 6 and have spent the last ten minutes constantly swearing and hurling childish insults & threats at the TV."

She's right too. Damned Ice World. Sure, when I was a kid, it was World 7: Plant World that always gave me trouble. This time around, I conquered Plant World in one go, to my surprise. But Ice World? Noooo, I just have to keep falling down holes or running into enemies who kill me on contact. Stupid monkey-bastard, rassafrassing game...kick it in the nuts....

*Ahem!* Excuse me, I don't know what came over me for a moment there.

Today's Lesson: the holidays are only as enjoyable as the customers you serve, or the cynicism you serve back to them.


posted by Phillip at 8:16 AM